from: http://www.strangehorizons.com/2004/20040405/badger.shtml
Let's face it: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat
on a Compaq, his mom's toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing
earns you geek points like installing Linux on a dead badger. So if
you really want to earn your wizard hat, just read the following
instructions, and soon your friends will think you're slick as
caffeinated soap.
Minimum Installation Requirements:
1.
one (1) pocketknife
2.
one (1) screwdriver, flathead, to install Duppy card (see item 4. below)
3.
computer with:
*
CD drive
*
USB, Ethernet, or a free slot for wireless networking card
*
Telnet or SSH client installed
*
cyberspiritual controller program such as FleshGolem (Mac
OS X and Linux), Phranken (Windows 98, ME, 2000), or ItzaLive (Mac OS
8.1-9.x and Amiga)
4.
one (1) Duppy card (available in CardBus and PCI models) or
SpiritInTheSky external adapter (available in ethernet and USB models)
5.
VüDü Linux (available from Twisted Faces Software)
6.
minimum 3' x 3' (1m x 1m) fireproof surface, in secure, ventilated area
7.
privacy
8.
one (1) dead badger, good condition
Optional Installation Requirements:
*
one (1) gallon of holy water (Bless! brand exorcise water is
ideal) in a silver or silver-plated bucket
*
one (1) pair latex gloves
*
one (1) fluid ounce of flea-killing shampoo such as Ecto-Soothe or Mycodex
*
running water and a large sink or washtub
The following test installation was conducted on the concrete floor of
the garage of a detached single-story house, on unconsecrated ground,
using a 400MHz clamshell iBook, and began shortly after local sunset.
Step 1: Find a suitable badger. Specimens from zoos are ideal, but
suitable badgers can be found as roadkill along highways in many parts
of North America, the British Isles, continental Europe, Asia, and
parts of Africa.
*
Other animals of family Mustelidae can be used in place of a
badger, but an adapter may be required. See Appendix II for details.
Step 2: Once you have obtained a dead badger, check it carefully for
structural damage, particularly in the spine, skull, and legs. Dead
badgers do not heal, and a badger with broken legs will display
limited mobility. Brain and spinal cord damage is likely to interfere
with the Linux installation and render any successfully-installed
system unstable, as well as voiding all explicit and implicit
warranties according to the laws of any and every state, country, or
alternate dimension, present or future.
*
As a precaution against infection, wear latex gloves at all
times when handling your dead badger. It is highly recommended that
you wash the carcass with a suitable flea-killing shampoo.
Step 3: Obtain a copy of FleshGolem or other cyberspiritual controller
program. This test was conducted with a copy of FleshGolem downloaded
from the Apple site's utilities section. Follow all installation
instructions carefully, including addenda in the readme.txt file.
*
All cyberspiritual controllers should be compatible with either
Duppy cards or SpiritInTheSky adapters.
Step 4: Insert Duppy card or attach external SpiritInTheSky adapter.
Duppy cards work best if you're using a Mac with an Airport slot;
response on the external SpiritInTheSky adapter may be sluggish.
Further notes below apply only to Duppy card installation on the test
iBook used.
*
The card has a hinged lid and a clear cover over what looks like
a small, shallow ivory box. Open and place a small amount of hair and
blood from the badger in the compartment, then close the cover, being
careful not to let stray hairs stick out of the compartment. Install
card into Airport slot by unlatching the small white tabs at the top
of the keyboard, lifting keyboard assembly off (being careful of the
wires), and inserting card into slot.
Step 5: Install Duppy card security antenna (included with card) in
badger. Badgers may be run without security antennas, but this is not
recommended. Insecure badgers may be hacked by anyone with a
compatible card and badger bits. Each Duppy card/antenna system is
uniquely coded so that a properly installed system will allow only the
original user to run the badger.
*
To install antenna, make a small incision with the pocketknife
at the nape of the badger's neck. Then shove the antenna down the
badger's back under the hide. Antenna must lie as flat as possible
along the spine, or security will be suboptimal. Antenna may also be
installed by cutting the badger's back skin open, but requires
post-installation stitchery to restore structural integrity; this
method is recommended for licensed taxidermists only.
Step 6: Install your badger's operating system. VüDü is the preferred
Linux distribution for badgers and related species (see Step 1). This
distro was designed by German software engineers who contributed to
the SuSE project before they started up Twisted Faces Software in
Jamaica. An alternative distribution is Pooka, which is available for
download at SoulForge.net. However, there is no alpha build for MacOS
and Amiga, and some Windows NT users have found that the Harvey
utilities built into Pooka may cause sudden, unpredictable
invisibility issues.
VüDü Tech Tips:
*
Default partitioning: /root goes in the spinal cord and brain
stem, /swap and /soul go on the left hemisphere of the brain, and
/usr, /var, and /home go on the right. If you're working with a badger
with damage to one of those areas, you can repartition one or the
other brain hemisphere, but as noted in Step 2, using a brain-damaged
badger is not recommended and may interfere with successful
installation.
*
System configuration information and the spiritual components of
the package come on a small, rolled-up piece of parchment. Space is
available to write in a password, as well as any auxiliary programs
like NecroNull. The VüDü package comes with two scrolls, but a
Santeria, Vodoun, Wiccan, or Catholic priest or priestess who has
undergone Twisted Faces' scrollmaking training can also provide
suitably blessed parchments. Check the VüDü home page to find a
qualified cleric in your area.
*
When modifying the scroll, be sure to use chicken blood-based
ink, and write neatly. Various languages may be used on the scroll --
VüDü is written in SoulScript, but successful modifications have been
made in Latin, Hebrew, and Enochian. Further modifications can be made
by Telnetting or SSHing into your badger later; start only with
essential information. After finishing modifications, roll up the
scroll and stick it down the badger's throat, all the way into the
stomach. Use a screwdriver or pencil to get it all the way in.
Step 7: Install VüDü itself. In the package, there will be a large
square of herb-scented paper. This is the entire code for VüDü. Fold
this paper into an origami shape resembling the animal you're
installing VüDü on (see also Appendix II). There are folding
directions for common animals in the box. Make a hollow inside your
paper badger and add a little more blood and hair from your animal.
*
Don't lose the paper; replacements are expensive. There are
recipes for homemade paper on the Web, but getting all the information
correctly transcribed is a huge task, as this must be handwritten;
furthermore, the requirements of herb collecting, drying, and curing
are formidable.
Step 8: Invocation/boot procedures. Place badger in center of
fireproof surface, making sure ventilation is adequate and all doors
are locked. Turn off all cell phones and pagers, and cease using all
other unapproved electronic devices. Using the badger's blood, smear a
foot-wide pentagram around its body. Place origami code-badger at the
top point of pentagram, and light paper while making the boot
incantation:
Suse vivo vixi victum reduco is ea id creatura absit decessus
a facultas Linux! Dev root, dev root!
*
The paper should burn with green flames. Black or gray means the
herbs were improperly prepared. Purple flames indicate kernel panic;
douse the flames with the bucket of holy water and abandon
installation site immediately. Seek shelter at the nearest church or
other consecrated area. You may need to enlist the assistance of an
exorcist if you cannot reach shelter in time.
*
When you produce green smoke, it should flow over the badger and
into its mouth and nose. The badger will awaken as a Linux-powered
zombie. Enjoy your new undead badger.
Common Problems
*
Reanimation puts most creatures in a foul mood, and the test
badger woke up murderously angry, requiring a hasty launch of
FleshGolem to get the beast under control. It is highly recommended to
have the computer close at hand during the incantation.
*
If the badger isn't responding correctly, you may need to make
some configuration adjustments via Telnet; instructions are in the
VüDü manual.
*
If the badger does not respond at all to the boot incantation,
call Twisted Faces' tech support. Make sure to try all other
troubleshooting options first. After two free calls, tech support will
cost you an arm and a leg . . . and they'll only accept fresh,
gangrene-free limbs.
DISCLAIMER: No badgers or Macintoshes were harmed in the course of
this test installation. Your results may vary. Please note that zombie
badgers are banned in many municipalities in California and Wisconsin;
zombie badgers must remain leashed at all times in Texas. Zombie
badgers can move at great speeds, and are prone to sudden
acceleration; use proper caution when driving your zombie badger. Do
not allow your zombie badger to consume mushrooms or African snakes,
or your badger may emit catchy techno music. Do not taunt zombie
badgers. Prolonged use of a zombie badger may cause acne, insomnia,
leprosy, unusual weather, or the end of time. Please dispose of your
zombie badgers properly; consult your local recycling company for
proper disposal protocols.
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